I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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