I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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