Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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