2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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