I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
