I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
40s are totally the cure
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
