You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
