Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
