Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
