I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
