Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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