don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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