I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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