I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
