Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
