a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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