Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
