he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
