the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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