I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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