Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
