What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
