I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
