I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
