Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
