my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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