Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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