sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
