apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
