When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
