The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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