Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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