I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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