i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
