Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
