wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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