i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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