The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
