11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
