i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
