Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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