her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
