Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
