Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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