did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
