So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
