So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
