I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
