Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
