he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
